I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
