I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
