You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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