I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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