Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
