When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
