im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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