I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
