you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Randomize
