My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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