Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
handjob tips. give me some.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
