I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
