apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
