just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
