do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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