I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I AM VODKA MAN
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
