I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
