When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
