I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
