i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
