Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
