I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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