Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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