i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
