Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize