Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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