I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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