Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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