It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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