Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
