Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
