The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
