my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
