Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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