i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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