WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
