I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
