The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
