I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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