nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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