The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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