Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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