Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
