You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
