I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
