True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
