Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
