well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
