Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
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