I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
