He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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