Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Michael Bay diarrhea
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
